If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what?
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus and a clown killed my dad.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of
honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk?
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to
sleep.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off
the paint.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
a magazine.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it
on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's
not.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
|